Dingos Took My Baby

2007-01-24T15:22:00.000-08:00

READ THE POST BELOW, FIRST
Then watch his son in this vid. Asskicking.

2007-01-24T14:44:00.000-08:00

HOW HOT IS THIS GUY, AND DO HE HAVE THE MOVES??!!

Roy Head *giggle

Baby got some MOVES on him, and love that bulletproof hair. Legs are going all OVER the damn place, and I think he had an epileptic seizure mid chorus, but DAYUM if this dude isn't fine. He's probably 92 years old now, but back in the day he was all kinds of monkey love. What's the deal with his disarticulated legs? I don't care-I want to get into a time machine and party with him 'till it's 1969.

2006-11-18T22:24:00.000-08:00

THANKSGIVING
And this is what I'm thankful for:

2006-09-09T16:13:00.000-07:00

I CAN BARELY DRAW A SMILEY FACE
Fantastic.

2006-09-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

PERHPAS THE MOST BRILLIANT EXPOSE EVER.
My sistah Ann in Columbus is a veritable keyboard Shakespeare.

A rant regarding school mascots.
And that's all I have to say.
Read it here

2006-09-03T16:27:00.000-07:00

A SCENE FROM ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES

Does it get better than this?

Shakes The Clown

2006-08-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2006 Results

Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.
Bulwer Lytton

Winner:
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Runner-Up:
"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"

Dishonorable Mentions:
It was a day, like any other day, in that Linus got up, faced the sunrise, used his inhaler, applied that special cream between his toes, wrote a quick note and put it in a bottle, and wished he'd been stranded on the island with something other than 40 cases each of inhalers, decorative bottles, and special toe cream.

The cold, cynical wind molested the auburn tresses of the fair damsel clinging to the steel of the rail trestle, from which vantage point she could see that it was a long way down to where she would land if she fell, which, given the velocity she would attain and the unfriendly pavement leering up at her, added to soft tissue's low tolerance for sudden impacts, would be a very bad thing.

Nick Stiletto, a three-inch ash hanging from his generic P&Q-brand cigarette, squinted through the wispy smoke across the nicked linoleum-covered table at the man in the blue suit, wondering why he had gone into private detection when he could have easily inherited his father's cat-stretching business in Peoria.

2006-08-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

Bright be the Place of Thy Soul

So, I went to visit a friend today. It's been exactly one year since I'd last seen him. His new home has the best view in San Diego - breathtaking in scope, magnificent in spectrum. I was overwhelmed with emotion being there with him. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed his company, and how I had taken his friendship for granted. It's funny the excuses we make for not returning calls, for not following through with plans made to spend time together, for letting friendships slip through our fingers because we had better, or more important things to do. I am guilty of this, and I hate it about myself. I am not that great a friend, or sister, or daughter. I could be so much better.

It was hard being with him today, and spending time with his extended family, whom I love from the bottom of my heart. I've been amiss with them, guilty of fogetting to call, finding better things to do than spend an afternoon or evening with them, just hanging. I think I'll talk about it with God tonight, and see if He can help me through this one, and if He'll give me the faith to become the kind of friend many of MY friends are to me.

Kelly's new pad is awesome. I was sad to leave him, but I knew he had more company than I could comprehend, and that made me even sadder. That 20 year old kid next door to him, and the 18 year old one a few doors down. Older folks everywhere. I know he's not alone there, but it still hurt to leave. I miss him. It hurts a little when I breathe.

Miss you Kelly. 'Riah, little Kelly and Mekhi are hanging in there. 'Cedes is having a harder time.
Angie is surviving.

I'm going to get out and see you more often.
I promise.

Xo Lola

Kelly Sutton Sr.
Jan. 11, 1975-Aug. 27, 2005

...Young flowers and an evergreen tree
May spring from the spot of thy rest:
But nor cypress nor yew let us see;
For why should we mourn for the blest?
~Lord Byron

2006-08-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

REASON NUMBER ONE WHY I'M NOT INTO P#SSY

Boy Charged For Meowing At Neighbor Lady
Family Gave Cat Away After Neighbor's Complaints

JEANNETTE, Pa. -- Meow. A Pennsylvania judge is being asked to decide whether that word is a harmless taunt or grounds for misdemeanor harassment.

Police have charged a 14-year-old boy with that crime. Michael Loughner is accused of meowing whenever he sees his 78-year-old neighbor, Alexandria Carasia.

The boy's family got rid of their cat after Carasia complained that it was using her flower garden as a litter box. Now, she said, the boy makes meowing sounds every time he sees her.

He said he's only meowed at her twice.

"I've had to put up with this for three years," Carasia said. "As I walk by, I see Michael and his mother. He got on the porch and hid behind the bamboo screen and starts meowing. If I don't make this stop now, they're going to keep doing this to me. I shouldn't have to worry about walking out of the house and being harassed by this young kid."

Loughner said that on July 23 he went out to hold his dog so it wouldn't leave the yard as Carasia walked by.

"She was walking through and she kept looking at us," he testified. "I grabbed the dog so it wouldn't leave the yard. When I put my head down, I meowed."

He said that was one of the two times he's ever meowed at the woman, the Pittsburgh Tribune Review reported.

"As she walked in front of the house, nothing was said," the boy's mother, Sally Loughner, told the court. "He stepped off the porch to make sure the dog didn't get out. As he reached down and got the dog, he said, 'Meow.' ... She said, 'Do you want me to call the cops again?' I said, 'Go ahead, he hasn't done anything wrong.'"

There is a history of disputes between the neighbors, according to the paper.

Sally Loughner told the court that she ended up sending her cat to live with family members so that she could "keep peace in the neighborhood."

Defense attorney David Martin Jr. asked that the case be dropped.

"This should never have been filed," Martin said. "This is not something that police should be wasting their time with or wasting the court's time."

The judge heard from both parties Tuesday. He decided to wait 90 days before ruling, saying he'll decide what to do after seeing how the boy and his neighbor get along in the meantime.

2006-08-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

Quiz: Is Your Boss a Psychopath?
For those of you that know me, you understand the importance of this query.
www.fastcompany.com

The standard clinical test for psychopathy, Robert Hare's PCL-R, evaluates 20 personality traits overall, but a subset of eight traits defines what he calls the "corporate psychopath" -- the nonviolent person prone to the "selfish, callous, and remorseless use of others." Does your boss fit the profile? Here's our do-it-yourself quiz drawing on the test manual and Hare's book Without Conscience.

For each question, score two points for "yes," one point for "somewhat" or "maybe," and zero points for "no."

[1] Is she glib and superficially charming?
Is she a likable personality and a terrific talker -- entertaining, persuasive, but maybe a bit too smooth and slick? Can she pass herself off as a supposed expert in a business meeting even though she really doesn't know much about the topic? Is he a flatterer? Seductive, but insincere? Does she tell amusing but unlikely anecdotes celebrating her own past? Can he persuade his colleagues to support a certain position this week -- and then argue with equal conviction and persuasiveness for the opposite position next week? If she's a CEO, can she appear on TV and somehow get away without answering the interviewer's direct questions or saying anything truly substantive?

SCORE__

[2] Does she have a grandiose sense of self-worth?
Does she brag? Is he arrogant? Superior? Domineering? Does she feel she's above the rules that apply to "little people"? Does he act as though everything revolves around him? Does she downplay her legal, financial, or personal problems, say they're just temporary, or blame them on others?

SCORE__

[3] Is she a pathological liar?
Has she reinvented her own past in a more positive light -- for example, claiming that she rose from a tough, poor background even though she really grew up middle class? Does he lie habitually even though he can easily be found out? When she's exposed, does she still act unconcerned because she thinks she can weasel out of it? Does he enjoy lying? Is she proud of her knack for deceit? Is it hard to tell whether he knows he's a liar or whether he deceives himself and believes his own bull?

SCORE__

[4] Is she a con artist or master manipulator?
Does she use her skill at lying to cheat or manipulate other people in her quest for money, power, status, and sex? Does he "use" people brilliantly? Does she engage in dishonest schemes such as cooking the books?

SCORE__

[5] When she harms other people, does she feel a lack of remorse or guilt?
Is she concerned about herself rather than the wreckage she inflicts on others or society at large? Does he say he feels bad but act as though he really doesn't? Does he blame others for the trouble he causes?

SCORE__

[6] Does she have a shallow affect?
Is she cold and detached, even when someone near her dies, suffers, or falls seriously ill -- for example, does she visit the hospital or attend the funeral? Does he make brief, dramatic displays of emotion that are nothing more than putting on a theatrical mask and playacting for effect? Does she claim to be your friend but rarely or never ask about the details of your life or your emotional state? Is he one of those tough-guy executives who brag about how emotions are for whiners and losers?

SCORE__

[7] Is she callous and lacking in empathy?
Does she not give a damn about the feelings or well-being of other people? Is he profoundly selfish? Does she cruelly mock others? Is he emotionally or verbally abusive toward employees, "friends," and family members? Can she fire employees without concern for how they'll get by without the job? Can he profit from embezzlement or stock fraud without concern for the harm he's doing to shareholders or pensioners who need their savings to pay for their retirements?

SCORE__

[8] Does she fail to accept responsibility for her own actions?
Does she always cook up some excuse? Does he blame others for what he's done? If she's under investigation or suspicion, like deceitful accounting or stock fraud, does she refuse to acknowledge wrongdoing even when the hard evidence is stacked against her?

SCORE__

Total____
If your boss scores:

1-4 | Be frustrated
5-7 | Be cautious
8-12 | Be afraid
13-16 | Be very afraid

Not only am I afraid, I'm REALLY afraid. She scores a solid 14, and only because I'm being magnanimous.

2006-08-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

If This Is for Real, It's the Best Reversal of Heinousness I've Ever Seen
Kudos to her plastic surgeon

If any of you know Farrah's hackman's name, could you please forward it to me, along with a donation of a thousand dollars or more to:
Lola's Cosmetic Surgery Emergency
c/o La Jolla, CA
Second Floor
Cash only, please...as if I'd take a check from any of you!

And, for a goof, her royal honess herself:

2006-08-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

SNAKES ON A PLANE
I've got three words for you: Best. Movie. Ever.

Check it out. I laughed, I cried, I picked myself up at a bar AND gave myself a complimentary reach around in my car on the way home.

www.snakesonablog.com has an awesome audition reel for the flick. For your viewing pleasure.

2006-08-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

SCHWING!

2006-08-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

DOH!

2006-08-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

OOF!

2006-08-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

All I Gotta Say Is, Go Harry!

2006-08-14T09:18:00.001-07:00

READ IT. LEARN IT. LIVE IT.

How to Win Arguments, As it Were
By Dave Barry

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

1. Drink Liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hot-shot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hot-shot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you?ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

2. Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

3. Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.

4. Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what 'parameters' means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..." Your opponents says "Lincoln died in 1865" You say "You're begging the question."

OR

You say "Liberians, like most Asians..." Your opponent says "Liberia is in Africa." You say "You're being defensive."

5. Compare your opponent to Adolph Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolph Hitler might say." Remember that this is the alternative of last resort; it tend to close all options of retreat.

Keep these basic principles in mind, and you will find it easy (and perhaps even entertaining) to out-argue anybody.

Good luck, and happy hunting.

2006-08-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

OUCH!!!!!
THEN:

NOW:

THEN:

NOW:

I gotta admit-I'm not sure why the heinous stick came knocking on Farrah's door, but she let it in and it proceeded to beat her about the face for a good 2-3 thousand hours. Is that coke nose? Frankenfarrah needs to get herself some Jaclyn Smith collection polyester jumpsuit swag going on, 'cause whatever she's doing now ain't working. However, if she wants to look like John Madden, she's well on her way.

2006-08-06T15:10:00.000-07:00

IN NEED OF AN ASS KICKING

Pretty sure this is the only pussy with which he has contact.

2006-08-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

Tribute

Someone sent me this today.
In a month it'll be five years.
That's all I have to say.

2006-08-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

MOVIE QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Jarko Grimwood: [about his vampire Pomeranian] Precious, isn't he?
Hannibal King: Well, that depends who you ask. Because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.
Jarko Grimwood: And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuck-face?
[he kicks Hannibal in the face]
Hannibal King: Ow!
[points at Danica]
Hannibal King: I was talking to her!

Danica Talos: Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's planning?
Hannibal King: I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is ridiculous. And two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. Silent but deadly.
Blade: Trinity

Gary: McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate"!
J.J.: You mean, penis-in-vagina?
Gary: No, dickhead, sex.
Wet Hot American Summer

David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.
Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?
David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...
[Gets flustered, but calms down]
David: But that's love, man.
40 Year Old Virgin

Stan Gable: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.

Booger: What the fuck's a frush?
Revenge of the Nerds

Jonathan Steinbloom: [referring to his mother] You could say she was overly protective - I just like to think she cared about me, which she did, a lot. And I was a member of the chess team and whenever we would have chess tournaments I had to wear a protective helmet, I had to wear a football helmet. Now who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she thought that we might have fallen maybe and impaled our heads on a pointy bishop or something, I don't know.

Terry Bohner: This is not an occult science. This is not one of those crazy systems of divination and astrology. That stuff's hooey, and you've got to have a screw loose to go in for that sort of thing. Our beliefs are fairly commonplace and simple to understand. Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration. You would make that conclusion walking down the street or going to the store.
A Mighty Wind

2006-07-31T16:13:00.000-07:00

CUDDLE PARTIES
I am not shitting you

I have a lot of time on my hands sometimes. Well, that's not true. Sometimes, I have some extra time on my hands. Occasionally I have more time than I know what to do with, but it isn't very often, and it's usually time meant for cleaning my kitchen floor or drunk dialing ex-boyfriends.

Now, I ain't no spring chicken, but I gotta say, if I want the poonannie, I can get the poonannie. I have been known to get the poonannie on a regular basis if I am so inclined. But in my waning years, (and waxing ass), I prefer to have inappropriate touching with my gay male friends than actuall messy sticky four-hour-long sex with an uninteresting teenager or three. Note to Sting: eight hour sex sessions? Dude, I have to meet the girls at OnoSushi for half price appys and ten carafes of hot sake. Get a life!

Anyhoo-the reason for this rant: I have unfortunately been informed of a heinous social event known as the cuddle party aka second base for losers. To quote cuddleparty.com
What a Cuddle Party Is: A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment. A laboratory where you can experiment with what makes you feel safe and feel good. This playful, fun workshop has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection, a space to reframe assumptions about men and women.

In other words-dorks who can't get laid go to cuddle parties..
Now, it would be a blast to see one if it was frequented by furries, or male Rugby players, but in this case, it's for the Star Trek crowd.

Trust me-there's no sex because their parole officers won't allow it.

Here are some deep frequently asked questions associated with attending a cuddle party:
What is a Cuddle Party?
This whole Cuddle Party thingy sounds weird. Is it?
Why would anyone want to cuddle with a bunch of strangers?
This is really just an excuse to have an orgy, right?
Do PJs really stay on the whole time?
What if something "comes up"? (AKA, Arousal and the Erection Phenomenon...)
How on Earth are the limits enforced?
Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty? What's that?
What's the job of the Cuddle Caddy?
Are there a bunch of pajama-wearing weirdos there?
Do I have to cuddle everybody at the party?
I only want to cuddle with hot people. How can I make sure that happens?
Is that a bad thing, that I only want to cuddle the people I'm attracted to?
What do I do if no one wants to cuddle me?
Is this a singles event?
Do you allow people to come to parties if their partners don't know about it?
What's all the emphasis on having to arrive on time? It doesn't sound very relaxing.
Welcome Circle? Sounds New Age-y... This isn't some 60's encounter group thing is it?
Can you pay at the door?
Do I arrive in my pajamas, or can I change there?
Why are Cuddle Parties usually nonalcoholic events?
Can I get stoned at a Cuddle Party?

Fascinated? If you are, then check out the site, and make sure you lose MY phone number. My preferred recreation in place of a cuddle party?

Stalking.

Psychotic middle aged Asian bosses need not apply.

2006-07-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

WHODA THUNK????
Lance Bass gay?

Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Siegfried & Roy couldn't be reached for comment.

2006-07-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

Killer Ville Interview
Yes, I know I'm not blogging these days, but so what...blow me.
On the other hand, Ville is always rife with verbiage.

Love him, er HIM.

Cheers to you, XiolaV!
XO L

2006-07-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

sniff 'n the tears
driver's seat

2006-07-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

sinead o'connor
sacrifice

whacked chick, killer voice, beautiful song

2006-07-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

tattooed love boys
the pretenders

2006-05-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

BILLY WIRTH-"LOST BOYS' HERE IN "WAR PARTY"
MONKEY LOVE

2006-05-31T19:52:00.001-07:00

2006-05-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

2006-05-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

2006-05-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

2006-05-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

DRINKIE OF THE DAY
Unholy Water

1.5 shot Gin Skol
1.5 shot Grain Alcohol Everclear
1.5 shot Rum Captain Morgan
1.5 shot Tequila Jose Cuervo
1.5 shot Vodka Smirnoff 100

Use all clear liquors. Mix all six shots in a large glass. Leave in freezer for thirty minutes, then drink...but don't try to drive...or walk...

2006-05-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

IN RESPONSE TO EUROVISION GIVING THE AWARD TO LORDI (SCROLL DOWN TWO STORIES)

I don't know who this is, or what this is, but it's awesome.

2006-05-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

THE BOYS OF MY YOUTH
Real AND Imagined

I've always been a flaming heterosexual. I recall Mom telling me that I flirted with my doctor the minute I came out of the womb. Regardless, unless Charlize Theron comes to my house and breaks down the door to get to me, I'm staying straight.

So I got to thinking about all the crushes I've had over the years. I remember this hot guy who lived across the street..he must have been 4, and I was 3, but I remember him. Mike. Hot. Oh, and I wanted him. We swam nude together, so I've been told. Thus, you can't blame me for my lascivious desires. It seems I've always had hardcore crushes on the most INTERESTING men. Some are quite understandable-even today. Some are beyond horrific. I can't believe I'm letting you in on this, but I trust you. Please feel free to mock. I deserve it.

My very first actor crush, according to Mom:
Nick Adams aka Johhny Yuma from the show "The Rebel"

Two words: no clue. But Mom told me in the day I'd bawl when the show would end, and yet I'd ask if I could marry him. The show was cancelled in 1968 when he bought the farm from a drug overdose. I was 6. So it begins.

Around the same time:
Johnny Quest

Yeah, I know he's a cartoon character, so have been several of my exes. He was blonde, young, adventurous, and had a great dog. So, shoot me. I was a kid!

Then, I remember,
Kurt Russell

He was in a Disney movie by the name of "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes". Hot piece of ass. Still hot, but he annoys me now, and I'm talking about then, so get out of my ass.
Got a LOT of my crushes from Disney, namely,

Jan-Michael Vincent

The movie was, "The World's Greatest Athlete". He was so blonde, so tasty, those abs....rowrrrrrrrrrrr...sorry. Had a mild TIA. Have you seen him lately? Oooh. I'd show you a pic, but I don't want to hurt your feelings. Suggestion? Riding a motorcycle hammered without a helmet, crashing, and skidding on your face for a mile does NOT add character. Lips are an awesome thing. Try and keep them.

Barry Manilow

Shut the fuck up.

Barry Gibb

Shut the fuck up! I was a kid, and look at that loaf!

Then...I started to get some taste. Started surfing, starting listening to FM radio, started improving my palate.

Bruce Penhall

Even before he was on "CHiPs", which I hated, he was a speed racer, and he was effing hot. Are you disagreeing with me? Whores!

Cheyne Horan

One of the hottest.surfer boys. ever. Aussie. Beefy. Alternative. Bisexual. What? Dunno, but that came out later.
Weird then, hot now. Yum.

More to follow...

2006-05-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

FOR MY SISTAH ANN

Monsters of pop take Eurovision title
'This is a victory for rock music,' says frontman for Finland's Lordi

Saturday, May 20, 2006; Posted: 7:47 p.m. EDT (23:47 GMT)

ATHENS, Greece (AP) -- There's a giant stadium, highly toned participants, intense rivalry and flag-waving fans from many nations.

It's not the Olympics: It's the Eurovision Song Contest, the annual kitsch extravaganza, known for its bland dance music and bubble-gum pop, that sees acts from 24 countries face off before tens of millions of television viewers.

But in a stunning upset for the contest that launched the Swedish group ABBA, a Finnish metal band with monster masks and apocalyptic lyrics won the contest late Saturday.

The band Lordi scandalized some of their compatriots when their song "Hard Rock Hallelujah" was chosen to represent the nation. At a press conference, the band's frontman said his plan for the final was to "scream louder. And turn the amps up."

"This is a victory for rock music ... and also a victory for open-mindedness," the band's lead singer, Mr. Lordi, said after the win -- Finland's first. "We are not Satanists. We are not devil-worshippers. This is entertainment."

Combining crunchy guitars, a catchy chorus and mock-demonic imagery, Lordi is reminiscent of U.S. '70s stars KISS -- an acknowledged inspiration of Mr. Lordi.

Band members never appear without their elaborate masks and makeup, and do not reveal their true names.

Lordi beat an unusually eclectic 24-nation field, which ranged from the perky pop of Danish teenager Sidsel Ben Semmane and Malta's Fabrizio Faniello to the balladry of Ireland's Brian Kennedy and the country-pop of Germany's Texas Lightning.

Regarded by many as the contest good taste forgot, Eurovision is adored by fans of camp everywhere.

"You don't imagine something so bad could be so good," said Carmela Pellegrino, an Australian who traveled to Athens from London, England, to watch rehearsal ahead of Saturday's finale.

Since 1956, it has pitted European nations against one another in pursuit of pop music glory. Previous winners include '60s chanteuse Lulu, ABBA -- victors in 1974 with "Waterloo" -- and Canada's Celine Dion, who won for Switzerland in 1988.

Saturday's showdown was broadcast live in 38 countries to a TV audience estimated at 100 million. Some 13,000 fans packed the indoor arena used during the 2004 Olympic Games, from Goth supporters of Lordi to cowboy-hatted Germans supporting Texas Lightning. Some 3,000 police officers were on duty for the event.

NBC announced plans earlier this year to replicate the formula -- a forerunner of "American Idol"-style talent contests -- in the United States, with acts from different states competing for viewers' approval.

The European Broadcasting Union, which runs Eurovision, said it was in talks with NBC over rights. If successful, the American version could go ahead as early as this fall, said the group's director of television, Bjorn Erichsen.

Athens staged the event because Greece won last year in Kiev, Ukraine.

Lordi received a trophy shaped like an ancient Greek column, and the show opened with a garish musical number inspired, organizers said, by Greece's rich history, mythology and sparkling seas. The hosts -- Greek pop singer Sakis Rouvas and "Access Hollywood" correspondent Maria Menounous -- made their entrance by "flying" onto the set, which resembled an ancient theater.

Some of the acts, like Switzerland's Six4One, stuck to the classic Eurovision formula of catchy tunes and blandly uplifting lyrics, singing, "If we all give a little, we can make this world a home for everyone."

Ireland's Brian Kennedy offered a syrupy ballad entitled "Every song is a cry for love," while Bosnia's Hari Mata Hari said it hoped to bring people together with the love song "Lejla."

Some acts were more daring: Latvia's Cosmos perform a cappella on "I Hear Your Heart." Others were optimistic: "We are the Winners," by Lithuania's LT United, consists largely of the lyrics "We are the winners of Eurovision."

Yet Eurovision victory is no guarantee of fame.

Dion and ABBA went on to glory -- as did Olivia Newton John, who lost to ABBA while competing for Britain in 1974. Other winners have sunk without a trace, victims of the "curse of Eurovision."

Many of this year's competitors are big stars in their home region but little-known elsewhere. Swedish diva Carola -- a previous winner, in 1991 -- has sold millions of records, while Lithuania's Andrius Mamontovas has performed for crowds of 60,000 in his homeland.

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed

2006-05-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

AND NOW, A WORD FROM KEVIN FEDERLINE

2006-05-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

TRUE DAT

2006-05-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU NEED ANOTHER REASON TO HATE CLOWNS.

2006-05-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

BODYBUILDING: DOES A BODY GOOD

But the mug...not so much.

2006-05-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

GREATEST.GAG.EVER.

I hate prank shows, but this guy is AWESOME.

He maybe the single gayest dude in the world.

2006-05-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

BEST.BAND.EVER.

You think you know good music?
You don't know anything, unless you know my pals in this awesome band.
MOWER
San Diego's finest...just ask the SDPD.
When was the last time you saw a mohawk like this?

I, sir, subscribe that the answer is NEVER!

Listen to them. Now.
I'm not kidding...do it!
You can thank me later.
Also, help them become millionaires by pre-ordering their new CD here:
http://tinyurl.com/nlh49

Get this video and more at vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=692998689&n=2">MySpace.com

Enjoy.

2006-05-04T11:08:00.000-07:00

HOT BOY ON BOY ACTION

Why oh why does this turn me on?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVnd3yt8ac0
(Thanks to poisongirl666)

If could only be improved if the the boys involved were the Winter brothers,
or Ville Valo and Ryan Reynolds.

I need sleep.

2006-05-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

MOVIE QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Wendy: Tripper, I'm looking forward to some action this summer. I hope you can supply it.
Tripper: I'll supply it for you, but the guy you gotta watch out for is Spaz!
Wendy: Spaz?
Tripper: He's a sex machine.
Wendy: He couldn't wake me up with a trumpet and a drum!
Tripper: Well I went out with him one night and he got off six nurses by himself, and four of them couldn't report to work the next morning!
MEATBALLS

David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.
Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?
David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...
[Gets flustered, but calms down]
David: But that's love, man.
40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

Monty's Mom: So I called your house today, at two. You were still asleep, weren't you?
Monty: That's an understatement.
Monty's Mom: So what did you do last night? I trust my little angel didn't do anything immoral.
Monty: Well, ummm... Let's see. I started by getting completely hammered drunk. It was bad. Then drove, while intoxicated, to pick up this disease-infested hooker.
Monty's Mom: Uh huh...
Monty: From there... uh, let's see. Me and the hooker went back to my place...
Monty's Mom: The hooker and I.
Monty: Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my placeand from there... God, it was just a blur of interveneous drug abuse and unprotected sex, while taking the Lord's name in vain.
Monty's Mom: Dean, did you know that when Monty was a child everyone thought he was retarded?
Monty: Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?
Monty's Mom: So why aren't you and Serena still together? I liked her.
Monty: I don't know. I guess it got old. We had a relationship based on orgasms.
Monty's Mom: Oh, how charming. You are being safe aren't you? I don't think I could handle the idea of you reproducing.
Monty: Come on, mom! Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.
Monty's Mom: Yes, well your father pulled out too but we've all seen the tragic end of that story.
Monty: You think I wanna have kids? Absolutely not! That's why I stick to anal sex.
Monty's Mom: If only I had been so lucky.
WAITING

2006-05-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

SHIT ON A STICK

"Bonaduce" back on VH1 schedule for fall
By Andrew Wallenstein

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - VH1 is bringing back "Breaking Bonaduce" and a fleet of other returning series to its bustling "Celebreality" Sunday block, the network said.

"Bonaduce," a chronicle of the turbulent times of radio DJ and former "Partridge Family" child star Danny Bonaduce, will return in October for a second season with eight episodes.

Perhaps this season we'll have the pleasure of watching Gretchen going postal on McFugly, or the three-and-seven-year-olds petitioning for emancipation from the both of them. Maybe Countess Isabella Michaela Bonaduce and Count Dante Jean-Michel Valentino Bonaduce (like I'd shit you about names like these) will run away to join a circus as carnies-you know-where the clowns at least have names like Binky and Chuckles, not Daddy and Mommy. And if you're wondering, well, of COURSE I'm going to watch this travesty. As if...

2006-05-01T20:01:00.000-07:00

GAD!

2006-05-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

OOOK!

2006-05-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

D'oh!

2006-05-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

OOF!

2006-05-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

DRINKIE OF THE DAY

The Crying Game aka What the Fuck is That?
1/5 Jack Daniels
1/5 Lime vodka
1/5 Kahlua
1/5 Irish Cream
1/5 Grenadine
1 oz Tequila
1 oz Rum
5 oz Tomato Juice

Mix JD and Vodka together with Kahlua. Heat over medium flame Bailey's, Tequila, and Rum. Mix all together with tomato juice and top with grenadine. Garnish with a stalk of celery and green onion. Enjoy!!!

2006-04-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDE...
http://people.aol.com/people/articles/0,19736,1186662,00.html

I'm all about geting back at your man for his cheatin' whorin' ways, but this is soooo wrong, on so many levels. Correct me if I'm wrong, but methinks Denise needs a good asskicking if this is all true. And in THAT brawl, my dime is on Heather.

Damn-women is bitches.

Denise Richards & Richie Sambora Hook Up

Denise Richards and Richie Sambora have been getting cozy: The pair were spotted kissing in Southern California this weekend, PEOPLE reports.

On Saturday, Richards, 35, and Sambora, 46, the soon-to-be ex-husband of Heather Locklear, arrived at Le Café in the Westlake Village neighborhood outside Los Angeles at about 5 p.m. in separate cars. In the parking lot, the two kissed then walked hand-in-hand, smiling and chatting the entire way as they headed for the restaurant.

Inside, they shared a table in the covered patio where they gazed into each other's eyes and held hands across the table. Eventually, Richards planted a kiss on Sambora's hand – and he returned the gesture, kissing hers. They then kissed again on the lips.

They left the restaurant at 5:45 p.m. in the same car together. Sambora has a home in Westlake Village.

On Friday, Richards filed a 17-page court document claiming that her estranged husband, Charlie Sheen, had threatened to kill her. The actress also claims that during their marriage, Sheen abused prescription medication, had violent mood swings, was a compulsive gambler and visited pornography Web sites featuring "very young girls." Sheen has called Richards' claims "vile" and "baseless."

Richards originally filed for divorce in March of last year, when she was six months pregnant with the couple's daughter Lola. The pair appeared to briefly reconcile after Lola's birth in June, but on Jan. 4, they requested that their divorce proceed with a private arbitrator.

In February, Sambora – who's the guitarist for Bon Jovi – split from Locklear, his wife of 11 years. The couple have an 8-year-old daughter, Ava.

Richards and Locklear are pals who grew even closer during Richards's split from Sheen. Locklear, who starred with Sheen in Spin City, attended Richards's baby shower before she gave birth to her daughter Lola – and helped take care of the baby after she was born.

Richards's rep had no comment.

2006-04-06T16:07:00.001-07:00

MOVIE QUOTES OF THE WEEK

[Nigel is playing a soft piece on the piano]
Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.
Marty DiBergi: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
Nigel Tufnel: It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.
Marty DiBergi: It's very nice.
Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...
Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump". This Is Spinal Tap

Buck Laughlin: I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?" Best In Show

Raoul Duke: We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole multi colored collection of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Dean Vernon Wormer: Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Animal House

T.J. Hicks: You know, Antoine's got a really bad temper. One time, I dropped a cigar ash on his carpet, and he made me pick it up with my anus. Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

2006-03-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

DRINKIE OF THE DAY
Liquid Machete
For those with discerning taste..

2.5 oz Bourbon
1.0 oz Melon liqueur
1.0 oz Rye/Whiskey
1.0 oz Tequila
1.0 oz Vodka
Ginger Ale

Add all ingredients to a shaker with a few ice cubes. Shake well, strain into shot glasses, and serve.

2006-03-14T19:39:00.000-08:00

IF I WASN'T GOING TO HELL BEFORE, I AM NOW

Miss Deaf Texas struck by train, killed

Tuesday, March 14, 2006; Posted: 9:27 a.m. EST (14:27 GMT)

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) -- The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died after being
struck by a train, officials said.

Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking Monday near railroad tracks when she
was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said.

A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn
right up until the accident occurred.

McAvoy, who had been deaf since birth, won the state title in June and
represented the state "with dignity and pride," state pageant director
Laura Loeb-Hill told The Associated Press via e-mail Monday night.

McAvoy was to represent Texas at the Miss Deaf America pageant this
summer, Loeb-Hill said.

McAvoy graduated last year from the Texas School for the Deaf, attended
Austin Community College and then started at Gallaudet University in
Washington, D.C., in January, but had returned to Texas, Loeb-Hill said.

2006-03-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

HOMAGE TO JAIME P. B. IN KENTUCKY
IT'S NOT MY FAULT

Hell in a Handbasket aka Lawyers Lament
1 Oz. Rum 151-Proof Bacardi
1 Oz. Peppermint Schnapps Ice-101
1 Oz. Tequila Jose Cuervo
1 oz. Everclear
Red Bull

To shaker: add ice, 151, 101, Tequila, Everclear and Red Bull. Do Not Shake! Pour into shot glasses and serve. You deserve anything that happens to you after drinking one (or ten) of these.

2006-03-13T21:56:00.000-08:00

DO ME, DO ME DO.....

2006-03-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

LANE MEYER

My main weiner man.

2006-03-13T21:30:00.000-08:00

DRINKIE OF THE DAY
I'LL HAVE TO PASS ON THIS ONE, BUT THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE I'D BUY IT FOR, DAVE....

Big Hairy Nut Sack
2 Oz. Tequila Cuervo Gold
4 Oz. Egg Nog
2 Oz. Rum Dark
1 Dash Nutmeg
2 Oz. Robitussin Maximum Strength Cough Syrup
1 Dash Lime

Throw all the good shit into a shaker... and shake, dammit! This was created by former Arizona Cardinals (NFL) defensive back Chuck Cecil while at an "end of the season" party. He was already drunk at the time.

2006-03-08T21:44:00.000-08:00

PEOPLE WHO I WILL NOT BE DOING
So PLEASE stop Calling me

Ok, kids...so, if you know me, or if you've read this blog, then you know I've had some awesome boyfriends (let's call them boyfriends, shall we?). Some were serious, some were casual, all of them were madly in love with me, and I had to eventually kick them to the curb because they started speaking to me, or staying over too long, or wanting to be let out of the basement, or refusing to follow the instructions on the ransom note. Regardless-we have our history, and it's all good. Ville Valo and I are still together, but I can't talk about it due to his impending court case, and because of some stupid "stalking" law my Parole Officer warned me about. Whatever. But all this mush talk DID get me thinking on whom I would NEVER want to nibble, pinch, squeeze, cavort with, canoodle, do the backseat mambo, bump the worm in the mole hole, get some stank on the hang low, go like a rat up a drainpipe, park the pink Plymouth in the garage of love, or put percy in the playpen with...I think you get my drift. So here's my Top Ten No Way Would I Ever Touch Them as God is My Witness list. Let's commence, shall we?

DANNY BONADUCE If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted
Unattractive, unkind, unappealing, un-be-fugly. I'm pretty sure he is a functioning idiot, and by functioning, I mean he can drive himself to the liquor store and back IF there's a camera anywhere around. His kids will kill him when they grow up, so at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

VAL KILMER If he had another brain, it would be lonely
Poster child for the complete prohibition of alcohol again, which I support. I like my wine, but if making the sale of alcohol illegal will stop Val from turning into Ralph Kramden, I'm all for it. He was hot as "Ice" in Top Gun-now's he's as cold as a Polar Bear's clam hammer when he's writing his name in the Arctic snow.

BALDWIN The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

I know, I know...there are so many Baldwin's to choose from, but this one is my least favorite. Stevie had a moment when he did "Usual Suspects", but I figure the director had an aneurysm that day, or was trying to be charitable, or the glaucoma hadn't been diagnosed. Steven peaked with US, then made his romantic debut as Pauly Shore's lover in "Biodome". That right there is worth a mercy killing. Now he's fat, too-not just homely and stupid. I don't like him, and I don't like you if you like him.

MALACHAI

Dude.

TOM CRUISE Dumber than a box of hair
I gotta tell you-I'd rather eat dead monkey prolapsed sphincter then ever have to touch this freakazoid with a ten million foot pole. Worst.example.of.mandom.ever. Not only is he physically repugnant, but he's morally corrupt, intellectually retarded, and I hear he has the heartbreak of psoriasis. Plus, wears "Member's Only" jackets in lime green. OK, maybe not, but I really hate him.

MARC ANTHONY Routinely outsmarted by cheese

Are you telling me you think he's hot? Can you look me in the eye and say that? What's the matter with you? You are out of your damned mind!! What the hell are you thinking? Who do you think you are trying to shove your opinions down my throat? What kind of a total psychopath are you? Get the hell out of here, and take your damned box of wine and your chicken pot pie!! Who needs you! I have Ville Valo, you crack addict, so blow me! You and J-doh! can have him, just get him the hell out of my face, NOW!!! Wait a minute-leave the wine, then go.

AND NOW FOR "NOT WITH YOUR DICK"'S

Word.

I left out Jerry Falwell, Al Roker, carnies, dentists, David Hasselhoff and clowns, for obvious reasons. BTW-this guy had children:

2006-03-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. DANA REEVE
1961-2006

2006-03-06T17:39:00.000-08:00

KITTY PORN XXXXXXX

WARNING!! DON'T CONTINUE READING IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED-THE FOLLOWING PHOTO IS NOT FOR THE EMOTIONALLY SENSITIVE.

2006-03-06T17:36:00.000-08:00

MY HUSBAND AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY 'CHEERS', AND HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A PLEASANT MONDAY!

2006-03-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

PROOF THAT MARRIAGE EXISTS IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

2006-03-06T17:29:00.000-08:00

MY FRIEND MARY VISITED THE TESTICLE FESTIVAL A COUPLE YEARS BACK, AND TOOK THIS SENTIMENTAL PHOTO

God, I love that girl. Thanks, Mare!

2006-03-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

IF THEIR MEN CHEATED, I'M THROWING IN THE TOWEL

On a scale from one to ten, how stoopid are Richie Sambora and Charlie Sheen? And no, this isn't a trick question. It amazes me that some people (read: men) have all that is considered perfect in the universe of chickdom, and they go and ruin their families by cheating on their wives. Their HOT wives. Wives that are maybe the hottest wives ever. Basically so hot that if Heather asked me to marry her, I'd say yes, although she's awful chickie for me, and I do like the penis entirely too much, but, I digress, because Heather be thy name, I'd still marry her, but I wouldn't do her laundry and I still don't take out the trash. Denise, on the other hand, is so hot that my ex said she was so effable that he'd do her nine months pregnant while she was getting an epidural-hence why he's my ex. But I get it-and Charlie was getting it, but blew it, or blew someone, and blew the marriage. He is NOT looking yummy anymore (come on-he looked way hot in Hot Shots and Ferris Bueller), but that was pre-rehab and Heidi Fleiss, and the years have not been kind facially to der Carlos Estevez. What could he have been thinking? "My wife is so hot that I'll go out and boff some other chick, because I've hit the pinnacle of hot, therefore, it's not really cheating if she's less hot than my wife?".

Maybe he thought he wasn't worthy. Maybe Richie thought he wasn't worthy. Maybe they discussed how unworthy they were while paying a hooker eighteen bucks and a sammich for a bj in the back of Burger King in Ohio. Maybe they were doing each other. Regardless-if Denise and Heather's husbands cheated on them, then I might as well give up. You go to the gym five days a week, two hours a pop, you eat your veggies and take your vitamins, you bake them cakes, you buy them jammies, you STILL swallow after ten years of domestic bliss, and yet, your lesser than slams the first skanky strumpet that offers to slurp the googe on a Thursday afternoon for a goof. It's just wrong. Hence my belief that the only man a straight girl should marry is a gay man: at least you KNOW ahead of time that he's going to punch the mucnhkin with some sassy tart, but at least he'll have a good job, dress beautifully, cuddle with you while you watch the Oscars, and talk shit with you about your girlfriends and their cheating rat bastard husbands.....

2006-03-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

DRINKIE RECIPE OF THE DAY

The Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck-Tini
2 oz. Stoli
2 oz. Kirsch
1 oz. Grenadine
Everclear

Combine ingredients in mixing glass. Add ice, stir to chill and strain into your Martini Glass.

2006-03-04T13:06:00.000-08:00

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

2006-03-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

DRINKIE RECIPE OF THE DAY
Brought to you by www.thevirtualbar.com

Facist Liver Torture
10.0 oz Orange Juice
2.0 oz Peach Schnapps
3.0 oz Vodka
Servings: 1 Glass

Mix and hear your liver scream.

2006-03-04T12:57:00.000-08:00

MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY!

2006-02-19T18:27:00.000-08:00

REAL COWBOY COOKING
This is from National Lampoon Mag, circa 1970. Don't make these delicious recipes all at once-save them for a special occasion!

What Is This Shit Stew
Also known as What Is This Shit Stew, What Is This Shit Stew, What Is This Shit Stew, and What Is This Shit Stew.
5 lbs. beans
5 cups water
5 lbs. flour
5 cups salt
5 lbs. droppins'
Plenty of cooking fat
Cook your beans until they're soft. Combine all ingredients and mix them up until they're a nice thick concoction Then fry in some more cooking fat until it looks done.

Slimebelly Snakeass Sodhole Skunk Pie
5 lbs. beans, cooked
5 lbs. salt
5 lbs. flour
5 cups water
5 lbs. assorted foliage
Plenty of cooking fat
Mix all your it ingredients together until they form a nice smooth paste. Fill up a well-greased pie tin with the paste, and bake for an hour or two until it gets nice and brown and bubbly.

Muthafuck Yo' Ass Brown Bitch Biscuits
5 lbs. beans
5 lbs. salt
5 lbs. flour
5 lbs. water
Plenty of cooking fat
Mix beans, flour, salt, and water in a bowl until it all forms a mash. Spoon out gobs of it on a well-greased biscuit pan and bake in a 400-degree oven until they're all brown and pretty.
Note: The beans in this recipe are uncooked, which gives the biscuits a slightly drier, crunchier texture.

2006-02-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

THIS WEEK'S MOVIE QUOTES

Lovely, lovely, lovely. I'm showing you mine, why not show me yours?

Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
WEDDING CRASHERS

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food! Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
ANCHORMAN:THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY

Doc: You know what they say: People in glass houses sink sh... sh... sh... ships.
Rocco: I got to buy you a proverb book or something, because this mix 'n' match shit's got to go.
Doc: What?
Connor: Well, a penny saved is worth two in the bush, isn't it?
Murphy: And don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen.
BOONDOCK SAINTS

Lance Armstrong: Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Ya, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Ya, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. Good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
DODGEBALL:A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY

Hansel: So I'm repelling down mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip. And I'm just falling, terrified and then I think, "Hey, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to mount Vesuvius.

2006-02-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

DAMN, IT'S BEEN A LONG WEEK

Don't even get me started. I'm just going to post my fave album covers ala Ann at STUPID AND CONTAGIOUS. Here's what I have, succinctly coz I'm fried, no particular order.

THE CLASH LONDON CALLING
Kicks ass.

STEVEIE RAY VAUGHN & DOUBLE TROUBLE THE REAL DEAL
Awesome.

BUTTHOLE SURFERS LOCUST ABORTION TECHNICIAN
Best. Title. Ever. And I HATE clowns.

OTEP HOUSE OF SECRETS
Excellent cover art, and the chick in the band is fully whacked.

EDGAR WINTER BEST OF
I love me some freaky looking albino dudes that rock it hard and can play like their lives depend on it.

THE POGUES RUM, SODOMY & THE LASH
Doesn't take a genius to figure this one out.

JERRY CANTRELL DEGRADATION TRIP
Freaky deaky, dude.

PRODIGY ALWAYS OUTNUMBERED NEVER OUTGUNNED
Goocher.

DREAD ZEPPELIN UN-LED-ED
Full Meal Deal here. What's better than a reggae Zeppelin cover band with an Elvis impersonator for a lead singer? Nothing.

And perhaps the best album cover in the world:
THE WHO WHO'S NEXT
Perfect.

Thank you, Ann. I hate you/love you for making me think. And I left H.I.M. off the list because, well, we both know it's just too easy.

2006-02-11T20:16:00.000-08:00

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU

We've all been there: you meet some nimrod on a cool summer's eve, you fall madly in lurve with him, or at least, madly in bed with him, you start writing his name in your notebook, "Mrs. Ville Valo", "Lola Valo", "Monsieur et Madame Valo", yaddayaddayadda. And then one day, after months, weeks, or days of his not calling back, or not coming home, or not posting your bail, you get the "We need to talk", or "I need my space", or "It's not you, it's me", or "Look, I paid you the eight bucks, could you please get out of my Vega" speech. We''ve all been dumped. Some of us more than others, and some of us more painfully than others. A girlfriend just told me her fiancee dumped her because they disagreed on whether or not the Virgin Mary was a "real" virgin. He couldn't reconcile himself to the fact that she saw the issue differently, and asked for the ring back. Sugar, I hate to tell ya, but it wasn't about the Virgin Mary: it was because he was over you, and probably wanted to pork Angelina Jolie. So I started thinking about really heinous dumping stories, just in time for Valentine's Day! Here are some of my faves-read 'em and guffaw because at least it didn't happen to you!

"I was convinced that I had just found the love of my life. We had been dating for about two weeks when he asked to borrow my car. I really should have specified that driving my car to Mexico with three of his friends was not cool. I also should have mentioned that taking my credit and ATM cards without my knowledge was impolite at best. (Not that I found out about that until my statements arrived the following month.) Of course, after he was gone for two days, I called the cops to file a missing persons report. It never crossed my mind that he stole the car. It didn't take the cops too long to find him once I discovered he was using my Visa-he bowled right over my ten thousand dollar credit limit in three days. They soon brought him back, along with the remains of my car. Things kind of got bad after that. It turns out he was actually thirty years old (I'm 18) and had an astounding criminal record. The credit card company decided that his use of my card was authorized by me, and imposed full charges. I can't charge a pack of gum at this point. My bank account was bone dry and my part-time job couldn't cover the bills, and I got evicted from my apartment. I had to quit school and take a job at Dairy Queen. I have to take the bus to work everyday since the insurance company declared my car totaled. I saw him one last time, in court. I charged him with everything in the book, but the judge felt there wasn't enough evidence, so he was acquitted. My bankruptcy should be clear in only another six years."

"My boyfriend broke up with me because I love Star Wars 'too much' as he put it. I made him dress up as Princess Leia (in the gold bikini) and I as Luke Skywalker once for a party, and of course cross dressing makes any party a more fun place to be. Someone had a camera and took pictures of him. I thought it was funny as hell, so I put them up on a website. Soon after the party, he called me and made me take the photos down, and he came over to my house and ripped up my copies. He even went through my computer and deleted my scanned copies. I didn't object or anything because he looked seriously pissed off. I asked him what was wrong, and he said someone sent the pictures to his mother. He pretty much called our relationship off right then and there, and he and his parents moved out of state because they were afraid people would start rumors What a jerk."

...and best.story.ever.

"I had a roommate named Richard. While living with him, I met this chick: she was a catch, to say the least. One day, about a year after we started dating, I came home from work and noticed her coat and bag on the couch, Richard's door was closed, and some curious noises were being emitted from the room. I opened the door and found Richard bent over taking it in the ass from my girlfriend wearing a strap-on!!!! So, naturally, I was a little pissed. I began to yell at her, then she yelled back about how pissed she was that I wouldn't let her fuck me with the strap-on and she was entitled to find someone who would. I called her a stupid c*%t and then she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and tried to stab me with it. That would have been scary except that she was wearing the strap-on the whole time. I eventually wrestled the knife from her, informed both of them that the situation was a little too weird and I would be moving out. She never even called to apologize"

HAPPY V-D, Y'ALL!

2006-02-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

I Forgot To Add Him

Christian Bale English, but he bought new toofs, so I forgave him, then I did him. Keeps begging me to get married, but he's already married, and I'm not Mormon.

2006-02-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

ALL MY CURRENT AND EX BOYFRIENDS

No really. They are. Seriously. In no particular order. But I've done/am doing them all, oh yeah I am. Are you calling me a liar? Well, you may call it a restraining order, but I call it devotion. Here they are. Read 'em and weep.

Ville Valo I mean, come on. Current boyfriend, and in fact, we may be secretly married. I just can't say, and don't ask him, because he doesn't know, and it's really none of his business.

Gerard Butler The Phantom. A tasty piece of Scottish monkey love if I ever saw one. Love a guy you can barely understand. Feels like I'm watching "Trainspotting" when I listen to him yabber on. Hot.

Skeet Ulrich Where's he been you ask? Right here, in my bedroom. Making me do things. Then he gets up and makes me pancakes. What's better than Skeet and pancakes? Not a damned thing.

Jeff Bridges Old but hot. I'm allover him like white on rice. Oh yeah I am. Don't make me tell you about it.

Dean/Scott Winters Both of them. At the same time. Dean more, Scott less, but yes, tasty pale brothers that furrow their eyebrows a lot. You are so jealous.

Gary Dourdan I hate CSI, but I love him. Calls and calls and calls. Doesn't have a lick of ugly anywhere on him. Told him he had a beautiful body, and he held it against me.

Clooney I hit that.

Lenny I often watch the special "home videos" he and I made. He loves me a lot. Cannot keeps his hands off me.

Chris Meloni (standing with Dean Winters-how convenient is that?) I don't care if he plays a gay psycho killer on "Oz" or a gay psycho ex-'Nam-er in "Wet Hot American Summer", or whatever gay he plays on "Law and Order"(I don't watch it). I'm doing him, and let me tell you, he got no gay.

Gabriel Macht You don't know him, but I do. He usually plays the brother or the extra, but he is so tasty, and I boffed him then I effed him. Really.

Ice Cube Oh yeah, I'm going there.

Patrick Dempsey Three words: African. Anteater. Ritual.

Legolas and Aragorn Not Orlando and Viggo, but the elf and the King. Are you telling me that isn't one hot piece of elf ass? Seriously yummy-both of them-although showering is not their forte. Who cares. First thing in the morning I make them clean the garage and work on my transmission, so it doesn't matter.

Kenny Johnson He plays "Lem" on "The Shield", and he played "Burner" on this doody of a show "Pensacola: Wings of Gold". Total crap, but I watched every rerun just to see Kenny in a towel. Completely delicious.

Eric Bana Oi! Oi! Oi! Aussie, sassy, messy, and don't even get me started about Down Under...

Dave Navarro Perfect, stunning, tiny, insatiable, carb-lite and fat-free.

Oh, and this guy. I don't even know his name, but he's making cookies right now, and I can't get him to leave.

It's all true. You are dying of envy, and it's very unbecoming of you. Get over yourself. They are mine, and until I'm done with them you must wait. So, until further notice, take them off your list. Maybe I'll post the rest of their pictures, but don't hold your breath.

2006-02-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

RANDOM FAVORITE MOVIE QUOTES

1) Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.
Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.
Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.

2) Owen Cheese: You clowns are on dope!
Binky the Clown: You didn't see nothing old man. We're just five happy party clowns, sitting down to a plate of beef. White- powdery- beef.

3)Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Harold: Huh?
Neil Patrick Harris: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.

4) Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: [shocked] Baby. I'm not from Havana.

5) Beth: Well guys, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.

And the most brilliant dialogue EVER written:
6) Nell: Chicka, chicka, chickabee. / T'ee an me an t'ee an me. / Ressa, ressa, ressa me, / Chicka, chicka, chickabee.

Beauty-ous.

2006-02-02T18:52:00.000-08:00

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2005.htm
2005 Results

Winner: Historical Fiction
Sphincter, the gladiator, girded his loins in preparation for today's games, glad to be part of the season opener since he hadn't been sure until yesterday that his contract would be renewed, given his slump during the Germans-versus-lions series but he knew that swatting Germans into the lion's pit was trickier than it looked and he told the officials that they should look at his other stats, not just Huns batted in.
Robert Peltzer
Baltimore, MD

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" Beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

The contest began in 1982 as a quiet campus affair, attracting only three submissions. This response being a thunderous success by academic standards, the contest went public the following year and ever since has attracted thousands of annual entries from all over the world.

A couple of my faves from this year:

Grand Panjandrum's Special Award
India, which hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia, presented itself to Tex as he landed in Delhi (or was it Bombay?), as if it mattered because Tex finally had an idea to make his mark and fortune and that idea was a chain of steak houses to serve the millions and he wondered, as he deplaned down the steep, shiny, steel steps, why no one had thought of it before.
Ken Aclin
Shreveport, LA

Runner-Up:
Max thought the night-time burglary at the California surfing museum would be a safe caper, but that was before he spotted the security cop riding a bull mastiff, blond hair blowing in the wind, and noticed the blue-and-white sign wired to the cyclone fence, "Guard dude on doggy."
Jim Dehn
Clovis, CA

Dishonorable Mentions
Because of her mysterious ways I was fascinated with Dorothy and I wondered if she would ever consider having a relationship with a lion, but I have to admit that most of my attention was directed at her little dog Toto because, after all, he was a source of meat protein and I had had enough of those damn flying monkeys.
Randy Blanton
Murfreesboro, TN

Runner-Up
The dragon cast his wet, rheumy eyes, heavy-lidded with misery, over his kingdom-a malodorous, rot-ridden swamp, with moss cloaking brooding, gloomy cypresses, tree trunks like decayed teeth rising from stagnant ponds, creatures with mildewed fur and scales whom the meanest roadside zoo would have rejected--and hoped the antidepressants would kick in soon.
Constance Barrett
Ruby, NY

2006-02-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER
All I can say is, I concur.

Katie: Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

2006-02-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

Bosses That Suck Ass, or Revenge is Sweet When Served Rectally

So, I hate my boss. Or should I say, my FORMER boss. She's a troll with a fivehead, an excommunicated-Mormon-coz-she-boffed-a-married-guy-so-she's-been-shunned-like-a-paisley-wearing-mennonite with an inferiority complex. One of those people whom you work your ass off for, turn their business around for them, and not only do they NOT give you credit, they take YOURS, bounce your checks, pay you crap, and go have a massage while you're firing away for 14 hours straight. However, divine intervention has occurred, and I was wooed away from sucky to fabulous today-for half the grief and almost three times the money. Sweetness.

I went into a meeeting today with Satan, she thinking she was going to school me regarding my attitude, and I cross checked her with a jimmy-jab to the pancreas. She said, "Lola, I want this to work out, but you're going to have to fix a few things first". I cut her off mid assumed bitch-out and said, "Ya know, nimrod(ok, I didn't say nimrod, but I thought it), this just isn't working for me. I don't enjoy working here anymore, and I just think we've hit the proverbial wall. So, hasta, and thanks for playing". After all color drained from her face, she, with HUGE tears welling up in her eyes, sputtered out, "Ya...you're QUITTING?" Although I was tempted to go all Brokeback on her, and I said, diplomatically, "I think it's for the best". Bitch then tried to play a fullhouse-she burst into tears-but I deflected with a royal flush. I said, "I wish you the best, and hope, truly, that this year allows you to get all that you deserve". Smile.

Then I turned and walked out, trying to not laugh in her stunned, Gary Busey-esque face. Worst part...she had to run out to my car to ask me for the key back, with a mascara-smudged-red-blotched-yacking-on-a-bone mug. Oh, did I mention that I left her high and dry without a chef and sous chef (he left with me) for three weddings this weekend? Payback's a bitch, bitch. You should have given me the raise AND the cabana boy.