Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2006 Results

Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.
Bulwer Lytton

Winner:
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Runner-Up:
"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"

Dishonorable Mentions:
It was a day, like any other day, in that Linus got up, faced the sunrise, used his inhaler, applied that special cream between his toes, wrote a quick note and put it in a bottle, and wished he'd been stranded on the island with something other than 40 cases each of inhalers, decorative bottles, and special toe cream.

The cold, cynical wind molested the auburn tresses of the fair damsel clinging to the steel of the rail trestle, from which vantage point she could see that it was a long way down to where she would land if she fell, which, given the velocity she would attain and the unfriendly pavement leering up at her, added to soft tissue's low tolerance for sudden impacts, would be a very bad thing.

Nick Stiletto, a three-inch ash hanging from his generic P&Q-brand cigarette, squinted through the wispy smoke across the nicked linoleum-covered table at the man in the blue suit, wondering why he had gone into private detection when he could have easily inherited his father's cat-stretching business in Peoria.

Bright be the Place of Thy Soul

So, I went to visit a friend today. It's been exactly one year since I'd last seen him. His new home has the best view in San Diego - breathtaking in scope, magnificent in spectrum. I was overwhelmed with emotion being there with him. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed his company, and how I had taken his friendship for granted. It's funny the excuses we make for not returning calls, for not following through with plans made to spend time together, for letting friendships slip through our fingers because we had better, or more important things to do. I am guilty of this, and I hate it about myself. I am not that great a friend, or sister, or daughter. I could be so much better.

It was hard being with him today, and spending time with his extended family, whom I love from the bottom of my heart. I've been amiss with them, guilty of fogetting to call, finding better things to do than spend an afternoon or evening with them, just hanging. I think I'll talk about it with God tonight, and see if He can help me through this one, and if He'll give me the faith to become the kind of friend many of MY friends are to me.

Kelly's new pad is awesome. I was sad to leave him, but I knew he had more company than I could comprehend, and that made me even sadder. That 20 year old kid next door to him, and the 18 year old one a few doors down. Older folks everywhere. I know he's not alone there, but it still hurt to leave. I miss him. It hurts a little when I breathe.



Miss you Kelly. 'Riah, little Kelly and Mekhi are hanging in there. 'Cedes is having a harder time.
Angie is surviving.

I'm going to get out and see you more often.
I promise.

Xo Lola

Kelly Sutton Sr.
Jan. 11, 1975-Aug. 27, 2005

...Young flowers and an evergreen tree
May spring from the spot of thy rest:
But nor cypress nor yew let us see;
For why should we mourn for the blest?
~Lord Byron

REASON NUMBER ONE WHY I'M NOT INTO P#SSY

Boy Charged For Meowing At Neighbor Lady
Family Gave Cat Away After Neighbor's Complaints

JEANNETTE, Pa. -- Meow. A Pennsylvania judge is being asked to decide whether that word is a harmless taunt or grounds for misdemeanor harassment.

Police have charged a 14-year-old boy with that crime. Michael Loughner is accused of meowing whenever he sees his 78-year-old neighbor, Alexandria Carasia.

The boy's family got rid of their cat after Carasia complained that it was using her flower garden as a litter box. Now, she said, the boy makes meowing sounds every time he sees her.


He said he's only meowed at her twice.

"I've had to put up with this for three years," Carasia said. "As I walk by, I see Michael and his mother. He got on the porch and hid behind the bamboo screen and starts meowing. If I don't make this stop now, they're going to keep doing this to me. I shouldn't have to worry about walking out of the house and being harassed by this young kid."

Loughner said that on July 23 he went out to hold his dog so it wouldn't leave the yard as Carasia walked by.

"She was walking through and she kept looking at us," he testified. "I grabbed the dog so it wouldn't leave the yard. When I put my head down, I meowed."

He said that was one of the two times he's ever meowed at the woman, the Pittsburgh Tribune Review reported.

"As she walked in front of the house, nothing was said," the boy's mother, Sally Loughner, told the court. "He stepped off the porch to make sure the dog didn't get out. As he reached down and got the dog, he said, 'Meow.' ... She said, 'Do you want me to call the cops again?' I said, 'Go ahead, he hasn't done anything wrong.'"

There is a history of disputes between the neighbors, according to the paper.

Sally Loughner told the court that she ended up sending her cat to live with family members so that she could "keep peace in the neighborhood."

Defense attorney David Martin Jr. asked that the case be dropped.

"This should never have been filed," Martin said. "This is not something that police should be wasting their time with or wasting the court's time."

The judge heard from both parties Tuesday. He decided to wait 90 days before ruling, saying he'll decide what to do after seeing how the boy and his neighbor get along in the meantime.

Quiz: Is Your Boss a Psychopath?
For those of you that know me, you understand the importance of this query.
www.fastcompany.com

The standard clinical test for psychopathy, Robert Hare's PCL-R, evaluates 20 personality traits overall, but a subset of eight traits defines what he calls the "corporate psychopath" -- the nonviolent person prone to the "selfish, callous, and remorseless use of others." Does your boss fit the profile? Here's our do-it-yourself quiz drawing on the test manual and Hare's book Without Conscience.

For each question, score two points for "yes," one point for "somewhat" or "maybe," and zero points for "no."

[1] Is she glib and superficially charming?
Is she a likable personality and a terrific talker -- entertaining, persuasive, but maybe a bit too smooth and slick? Can she pass herself off as a supposed expert in a business meeting even though she really doesn't know much about the topic? Is he a flatterer? Seductive, but insincere? Does she tell amusing but unlikely anecdotes celebrating her own past? Can he persuade his colleagues to support a certain position this week -- and then argue with equal conviction and persuasiveness for the opposite position next week? If she's a CEO, can she appear on TV and somehow get away without answering the interviewer's direct questions or saying anything truly substantive?

SCORE__

[2] Does she have a grandiose sense of self-worth?
Does she brag? Is he arrogant? Superior? Domineering? Does she feel she's above the rules that apply to "little people"? Does he act as though everything revolves around him? Does she downplay her legal, financial, or personal problems, say they're just temporary, or blame them on others?

SCORE__

[3] Is she a pathological liar?
Has she reinvented her own past in a more positive light -- for example, claiming that she rose from a tough, poor background even though she really grew up middle class? Does he lie habitually even though he can easily be found out? When she's exposed, does she still act unconcerned because she thinks she can weasel out of it? Does he enjoy lying? Is she proud of her knack for deceit? Is it hard to tell whether he knows he's a liar or whether he deceives himself and believes his own bull?

SCORE__

[4] Is she a con artist or master manipulator?
Does she use her skill at lying to cheat or manipulate other people in her quest for money, power, status, and sex? Does he "use" people brilliantly? Does she engage in dishonest schemes such as cooking the books?

SCORE__

[5] When she harms other people, does she feel a lack of remorse or guilt?
Is she concerned about herself rather than the wreckage she inflicts on others or society at large? Does he say he feels bad but act as though he really doesn't? Does he blame others for the trouble he causes?

SCORE__

[6] Does she have a shallow affect?
Is she cold and detached, even when someone near her dies, suffers, or falls seriously ill -- for example, does she visit the hospital or attend the funeral? Does he make brief, dramatic displays of emotion that are nothing more than putting on a theatrical mask and playacting for effect? Does she claim to be your friend but rarely or never ask about the details of your life or your emotional state? Is he one of those tough-guy executives who brag about how emotions are for whiners and losers?

SCORE__

[7] Is she callous and lacking in empathy?
Does she not give a damn about the feelings or well-being of other people? Is he profoundly selfish? Does she cruelly mock others? Is he emotionally or verbally abusive toward employees, "friends," and family members? Can she fire employees without concern for how they'll get by without the job? Can he profit from embezzlement or stock fraud without concern for the harm he's doing to shareholders or pensioners who need their savings to pay for their retirements?

SCORE__

[8] Does she fail to accept responsibility for her own actions?
Does she always cook up some excuse? Does he blame others for what he's done? If she's under investigation or suspicion, like deceitful accounting or stock fraud, does she refuse to acknowledge wrongdoing even when the hard evidence is stacked against her?

SCORE__



Total____
If your boss scores:

1-4 | Be frustrated
5-7 | Be cautious
8-12 | Be afraid
13-16 | Be very afraid

Not only am I afraid, I'm REALLY afraid. She scores a solid 14, and only because I'm being magnanimous.

If This Is for Real, It's the Best Reversal of Heinousness I've Ever Seen
Kudos to her plastic surgeon



If any of you know Farrah's hackman's name, could you please forward it to me, along with a donation of a thousand dollars or more to:
Lola's Cosmetic Surgery Emergency
c/o La Jolla, CA
Second Floor
Cash only, please...as if I'd take a check from any of you!

And, for a goof, her royal honess herself:

SNAKES ON A PLANE
I've got three words for you: Best. Movie. Ever.



Check it out. I laughed, I cried, I picked myself up at a bar AND gave myself a complimentary reach around in my car on the way home.

www.snakesonablog.com has an awesome audition reel for the flick. For your viewing pleasure.

SCHWING!

DOH!

OOF!

All I Gotta Say Is, Go Harry!

READ IT. LEARN IT. LIVE IT.


How to Win Arguments, As it Were
By Dave Barry

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

1. Drink Liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hot-shot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hot-shot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you?ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

2. Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

3. Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.

4. Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what 'parameters' means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..." Your opponents says "Lincoln died in 1865" You say "You're begging the question."

OR

You say "Liberians, like most Asians..." Your opponent says "Liberia is in Africa." You say "You're being defensive."

5. Compare your opponent to Adolph Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolph Hitler might say." Remember that this is the alternative of last resort; it tend to close all options of retreat.

Keep these basic principles in mind, and you will find it easy (and perhaps even entertaining) to out-argue anybody.

Good luck, and happy hunting.

OUCH!!!!!
THEN:



















NOW:


THEN:
















NOW:



I gotta admit-I'm not sure why the heinous stick came knocking on Farrah's door, but she let it in and it proceeded to beat her about the face for a good 2-3 thousand hours. Is that coke nose? Frankenfarrah needs to get herself some Jaclyn Smith collection polyester jumpsuit swag going on, 'cause whatever she's doing now ain't working. However, if she wants to look like John Madden, she's well on her way.

IN NEED OF AN ASS KICKING


Pretty sure this is the only pussy with which he has contact.

Tribute


Someone sent me this today.
In a month it'll be five years.
That's all I have to say.

MOVIE QUOTES OF THE WEEK


Jarko Grimwood: [about his vampire Pomeranian] Precious, isn't he?
Hannibal King: Well, that depends who you ask. Because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.
Jarko Grimwood: And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuck-face?
[he kicks Hannibal in the face]
Hannibal King: Ow!
[points at Danica]
Hannibal King: I was talking to her!

Danica Talos: Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's planning?
Hannibal King: I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is ridiculous. And two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. Silent but deadly.
Blade: Trinity

Gary: McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate"!
J.J.: You mean, penis-in-vagina?
Gary: No, dickhead, sex.
Wet Hot American Summer

David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.
Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?
David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...
[Gets flustered, but calms down]
David: But that's love, man.
40 Year Old Virgin

Stan Gable: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.

Booger: What the fuck's a frush?
Revenge of the Nerds

Jonathan Steinbloom: [referring to his mother] You could say she was overly protective - I just like to think she cared about me, which she did, a lot. And I was a member of the chess team and whenever we would have chess tournaments I had to wear a protective helmet, I had to wear a football helmet. Now who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she thought that we might have fallen maybe and impaled our heads on a pointy bishop or something, I don't know.

Terry Bohner: This is not an occult science. This is not one of those crazy systems of divination and astrology. That stuff's hooey, and you've got to have a screw loose to go in for that sort of thing. Our beliefs are fairly commonplace and simple to understand. Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration. You would make that conclusion walking down the street or going to the store.
A Mighty Wind