MOVIE QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Wendy: Tripper, I'm looking forward to some action this summer. I hope you can supply it.
Tripper: I'll supply it for you, but the guy you gotta watch out for is Spaz!
Wendy: Spaz?
Tripper: He's a sex machine.
Wendy: He couldn't wake me up with a trumpet and a drum!
Tripper: Well I went out with him one night and he got off six nurses by himself, and four of them couldn't report to work the next morning!
MEATBALLS

David: I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life! Until she went down on this guy in... an Escalade, I think.
Andy Stitzer: Where is she now?
David: Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey - that's her journey. If she wants to be a fucking immature bitch and blow everybody...
[Gets flustered, but calms down]
David: But that's love, man.
40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

Monty's Mom: So I called your house today, at two. You were still asleep, weren't you?
Monty: That's an understatement.
Monty's Mom: So what did you do last night? I trust my little angel didn't do anything immoral.
Monty: Well, ummm... Let's see. I started by getting completely hammered drunk. It was bad. Then drove, while intoxicated, to pick up this disease-infested hooker.
Monty's Mom: Uh huh...
Monty: From there... uh, let's see. Me and the hooker went back to my place...
Monty's Mom: The hooker and I.
Monty: Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my placeand from there... God, it was just a blur of interveneous drug abuse and unprotected sex, while taking the Lord's name in vain.
Monty's Mom: Dean, did you know that when Monty was a child everyone thought he was retarded?
Monty: Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?
Monty's Mom: So why aren't you and Serena still together? I liked her.
Monty: I don't know. I guess it got old. We had a relationship based on orgasms.
Monty's Mom: Oh, how charming. You are being safe aren't you? I don't think I could handle the idea of you reproducing.
Monty: Come on, mom! Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.
Monty's Mom: Yes, well your father pulled out too but we've all seen the tragic end of that story.
Monty: You think I wanna have kids? Absolutely not! That's why I stick to anal sex.
Monty's Mom: If only I had been so lucky.
WAITING

SHIT ON A STICK

"Bonaduce" back on VH1 schedule for fall
By Andrew Wallenstein

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - VH1 is bringing back "Breaking Bonaduce" and a fleet of other returning series to its bustling "Celebreality" Sunday block, the network said.

"Bonaduce," a chronicle of the turbulent times of radio DJ and former "Partridge Family" child star Danny Bonaduce, will return in October for a second season with eight episodes.

Perhaps this season we'll have the pleasure of watching Gretchen going postal on McFugly, or the three-and-seven-year-olds petitioning for emancipation from the both of them. Maybe Countess Isabella Michaela Bonaduce and Count Dante Jean-Michel Valentino Bonaduce (like I'd shit you about names like these) will run away to join a circus as carnies-you know-where the clowns at least have names like Binky and Chuckles, not Daddy and Mommy. And if you're wondering, well, of COURSE I'm going to watch this travesty. As if...

GAD!

OOOK!

D'oh!

OOF!

DRINKIE OF THE DAY

The Crying Game aka What the Fuck is That?
1/5 Jack Daniels
1/5 Lime vodka
1/5 Kahlua
1/5 Irish Cream
1/5 Grenadine
1 oz Tequila
1 oz Rum
5 oz Tomato Juice

Mix JD and Vodka together with Kahlua. Heat over medium flame Bailey's, Tequila, and Rum. Mix all together with tomato juice and top with grenadine. Garnish with a stalk of celery and green onion. Enjoy!!!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDE...
http://people.aol.com/people/articles/0,19736,1186662,00.html

I'm all about geting back at your man for his cheatin' whorin' ways, but this is soooo wrong, on so many levels. Correct me if I'm wrong, but methinks Denise needs a good asskicking if this is all true. And in THAT brawl, my dime is on Heather.

Damn-women is bitches.

Denise Richards & Richie Sambora Hook Up

Denise Richards and Richie Sambora have been getting cozy: The pair were spotted kissing in Southern California this weekend, PEOPLE reports.

On Saturday, Richards, 35, and Sambora, 46, the soon-to-be ex-husband of Heather Locklear, arrived at Le Café in the Westlake Village neighborhood outside Los Angeles at about 5 p.m. in separate cars. In the parking lot, the two kissed then walked hand-in-hand, smiling and chatting the entire way as they headed for the restaurant.

Inside, they shared a table in the covered patio where they gazed into each other's eyes and held hands across the table. Eventually, Richards planted a kiss on Sambora's hand – and he returned the gesture, kissing hers. They then kissed again on the lips.

They left the restaurant at 5:45 p.m. in the same car together. Sambora has a home in Westlake Village.

On Friday, Richards filed a 17-page court document claiming that her estranged husband, Charlie Sheen, had threatened to kill her. The actress also claims that during their marriage, Sheen abused prescription medication, had violent mood swings, was a compulsive gambler and visited pornography Web sites featuring "very young girls." Sheen has called Richards' claims "vile" and "baseless."

Richards originally filed for divorce in March of last year, when she was six months pregnant with the couple's daughter Lola. The pair appeared to briefly reconcile after Lola's birth in June, but on Jan. 4, they requested that their divorce proceed with a private arbitrator.

In February, Sambora – who's the guitarist for Bon Jovi – split from Locklear, his wife of 11 years. The couple have an 8-year-old daughter, Ava.

Richards and Locklear are pals who grew even closer during Richards's split from Sheen. Locklear, who starred with Sheen in Spin City, attended Richards's baby shower before she gave birth to her daughter Lola – and helped take care of the baby after she was born.

Richards's rep had no comment.

MOVIE QUOTES OF THE WEEK

[Nigel is playing a soft piece on the piano]
Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.
Marty DiBergi: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
Nigel Tufnel: It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.
Marty DiBergi: It's very nice.
Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...
Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump". This Is Spinal Tap

Buck Laughlin: I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?" Best In Show

Raoul Duke: We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole multi colored collection of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Dean Vernon Wormer: Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Animal House

T.J. Hicks: You know, Antoine's got a really bad temper. One time, I dropped a cigar ash on his carpet, and he made me pick it up with my anus. Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

DRINKIE OF THE DAY
Liquid Machete
For those with discerning taste..

2.5 oz Bourbon
1.0 oz Melon liqueur
1.0 oz Rye/Whiskey
1.0 oz Tequila
1.0 oz Vodka
Ginger Ale

Add all ingredients to a shaker with a few ice cubes. Shake well, strain into shot glasses, and serve.

IF I WASN'T GOING TO HELL BEFORE, I AM NOW

Miss Deaf Texas struck by train, killed

Tuesday, March 14, 2006; Posted: 9:27 a.m. EST (14:27 GMT)

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) -- The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died after being
struck by a train, officials said.

Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking Monday near railroad tracks when she
was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said.

A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn
right up until the accident occurred.

McAvoy, who had been deaf since birth, won the state title in June and
represented the state "with dignity and pride," state pageant director
Laura Loeb-Hill told The Associated Press via e-mail Monday night.

McAvoy was to represent Texas at the Miss Deaf America pageant this
summer, Loeb-Hill said.

McAvoy graduated last year from the Texas School for the Deaf, attended
Austin Community College and then started at Gallaudet University in
Washington, D.C., in January, but had returned to Texas, Loeb-Hill said.

HOMAGE TO JAIME P. B. IN KENTUCKY
IT'S NOT MY FAULT

Hell in a Handbasket aka Lawyers Lament
1 Oz. Rum 151-Proof Bacardi
1 Oz. Peppermint Schnapps Ice-101
1 Oz. Tequila Jose Cuervo
1 oz. Everclear
Red Bull

To shaker: add ice, 151, 101, Tequila, Everclear and Red Bull. Do Not Shake! Pour into shot glasses and serve. You deserve anything that happens to you after drinking one (or ten) of these.

DO ME, DO ME DO.....

LANE MEYER

My main weiner man.

DRINKIE OF THE DAY
I'LL HAVE TO PASS ON THIS ONE, BUT THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE I'D BUY IT FOR, DAVE....

Big Hairy Nut Sack
2 Oz. Tequila Cuervo Gold
4 Oz. Egg Nog
2 Oz. Rum Dark
1 Dash Nutmeg
2 Oz. Robitussin Maximum Strength Cough Syrup
1 Dash Lime

Throw all the good shit into a shaker... and shake, dammit! This was created by former Arizona Cardinals (NFL) defensive back Chuck Cecil while at an "end of the season" party. He was already drunk at the time.

PEOPLE WHO I WILL NOT BE DOING
So PLEASE stop Calling me

Ok, kids...so, if you know me, or if you've read this blog, then you know I've had some awesome boyfriends (let's call them boyfriends, shall we?). Some were serious, some were casual, all of them were madly in love with me, and I had to eventually kick them to the curb because they started speaking to me, or staying over too long, or wanting to be let out of the basement, or refusing to follow the instructions on the ransom note. Regardless-we have our history, and it's all good. Ville Valo and I are still together, but I can't talk about it due to his impending court case, and because of some stupid "stalking" law my Parole Officer warned me about. Whatever. But all this mush talk DID get me thinking on whom I would NEVER want to nibble, pinch, squeeze, cavort with, canoodle, do the backseat mambo, bump the worm in the mole hole, get some stank on the hang low, go like a rat up a drainpipe, park the pink Plymouth in the garage of love, or put percy in the playpen with...I think you get my drift. So here's my Top Ten No Way Would I Ever Touch Them as God is My Witness list. Let's commence, shall we?


DANNY BONADUCE If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted
Unattractive, unkind, unappealing, un-be-fugly. I'm pretty sure he is a functioning idiot, and by functioning, I mean he can drive himself to the liquor store and back IF there's a camera anywhere around. His kids will kill him when they grow up, so at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.


VAL KILMER If he had another brain, it would be lonely
Poster child for the complete prohibition of alcohol again, which I support. I like my wine, but if making the sale of alcohol illegal will stop Val from turning into Ralph Kramden, I'm all for it. He was hot as "Ice" in Top Gun-now's he's as cold as a Polar Bear's clam hammer when he's writing his name in the Arctic snow.

BALDWIN The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

I know, I know...there are so many Baldwin's to choose from, but this one is my least favorite. Stevie had a moment when he did "Usual Suspects", but I figure the director had an aneurysm that day, or was trying to be charitable, or the glaucoma hadn't been diagnosed. Steven peaked with US, then made his romantic debut as Pauly Shore's lover in "Biodome". That right there is worth a mercy killing. Now he's fat, too-not just homely and stupid. I don't like him, and I don't like you if you like him.

MALACHAI

Dude.

TOM CRUISE Dumber than a box of hair
I gotta tell you-I'd rather eat dead monkey prolapsed sphincter then ever have to touch this freakazoid with a ten million foot pole. Worst.example.of.mandom.ever. Not only is he physically repugnant, but he's morally corrupt, intellectually retarded, and I hear he has the heartbreak of psoriasis. Plus, wears "Member's Only" jackets in lime green. OK, maybe not, but I really hate him.

MARC ANTHONY Routinely outsmarted by cheese

Are you telling me you think he's hot? Can you look me in the eye and say that? What's the matter with you? You are out of your damned mind!! What the hell are you thinking? Who do you think you are trying to shove your opinions down my throat? What kind of a total psychopath are you? Get the hell out of here, and take your damned box of wine and your chicken pot pie!! Who needs you! I have Ville Valo, you crack addict, so blow me! You and J-doh! can have him, just get him the hell out of my face, NOW!!! Wait a minute-leave the wine, then go.

AND NOW FOR "NOT WITH YOUR DICK"'S








Word.

I left out Jerry Falwell, Al Roker, carnies, dentists, David Hasselhoff and clowns, for obvious reasons. BTW-this guy had children:

R.I.P. DANA REEVE
1961-2006

KITTY PORN XXXXXXX

WARNING!! DON'T CONTINUE READING IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED-THE FOLLOWING PHOTO IS NOT FOR THE EMOTIONALLY SENSITIVE.

MY HUSBAND AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY 'CHEERS', AND HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A PLEASANT MONDAY!

PROOF THAT MARRIAGE EXISTS IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM