Sunday, February 19, 2006

This is from National Lampoon Mag, circa 1970. Don't make these delicious recipes all at once-save them for a special occasion!

What Is This Shit Stew
Also known as What Is This Shit Stew, What Is This Shit Stew, What Is This Shit Stew, and What Is This Shit Stew.
5 lbs. beans
5 cups water
5 lbs. flour
5 cups salt
5 lbs. droppins'
Plenty of cooking fat
Cook your beans until they're soft. Combine all ingredients and mix them up until they're a nice thick concoction Then fry in some more cooking fat until it looks done.

Slimebelly Snakeass Sodhole Skunk Pie
5 lbs. beans, cooked
5 lbs. salt
5 lbs. flour
5 cups water
5 lbs. assorted foliage
Plenty of cooking fat
Mix all your it ingredients together until they form a nice smooth paste. Fill up a well-greased pie tin with the paste, and bake for an hour or two until it gets nice and brown and bubbly.

Muthafuck Yo' Ass Brown Bitch Biscuits
5 lbs. beans
5 lbs. salt
5 lbs. flour
5 lbs. water
Plenty of cooking fat
Mix beans, flour, salt, and water in a bowl until it all forms a mash. Spoon out gobs of it on a well-greased biscuit pan and bake in a 400-degree oven until they're all brown and pretty.
Note: The beans in this recipe are uncooked, which gives the biscuits a slightly drier, crunchier texture.

Saturday, February 18, 2006


Lovely, lovely, lovely. I'm showing you mine, why not show me yours?

Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food! Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick!

Doc: You know what they say: People in glass houses sink sh... sh... sh... ships.
Rocco: I got to buy you a proverb book or something, because this mix 'n' match shit's got to go.
Doc: What?
Connor: Well, a penny saved is worth two in the bush, isn't it?
Murphy: And don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen.

Lance Armstrong: Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Ya, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Ya, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. Good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.

Hansel: So I'm repelling down mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip. And I'm just falling, terrified and then I think, "Hey, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to mount Vesuvius.

Don't even get me started. I'm just going to post my fave album covers ala Ann at STUPID AND CONTAGIOUS. Here's what I have, succinctly coz I'm fried, no particular order.

Kicks ass.


Best. Title. Ever. And I HATE clowns.

Excellent cover art, and the chick in the band is fully whacked.

I love me some freaky looking albino dudes that rock it hard and can play like their lives depend on it.

Doesn't take a genius to figure this one out.

Freaky deaky, dude.


Full Meal Deal here. What's better than a reggae Zeppelin cover band with an Elvis impersonator for a lead singer? Nothing.

And perhaps the best album cover in the world:

Thank you, Ann. I hate you/love you for making me think. And I left H.I.M. off the list because, well, we both know it's just too easy.

Saturday, February 11, 2006


We've all been there: you meet some nimrod on a cool summer's eve, you fall madly in lurve with him, or at least, madly in bed with him, you start writing his name in your notebook, "Mrs. Ville Valo", "Lola Valo", "Monsieur et Madame Valo", yaddayaddayadda. And then one day, after months, weeks, or days of his not calling back, or not coming home, or not posting your bail, you get the "We need to talk", or "I need my space", or "It's not you, it's me", or "Look, I paid you the eight bucks, could you please get out of my Vega" speech. We''ve all been dumped. Some of us more than others, and some of us more painfully than others. A girlfriend just told me her fiancee dumped her because they disagreed on whether or not the Virgin Mary was a "real" virgin. He couldn't reconcile himself to the fact that she saw the issue differently, and asked for the ring back. Sugar, I hate to tell ya, but it wasn't about the Virgin Mary: it was because he was over you, and probably wanted to pork Angelina Jolie. So I started thinking about really heinous dumping stories, just in time for Valentine's Day! Here are some of my faves-read 'em and guffaw because at least it didn't happen to you!

"I was convinced that I had just found the love of my life. We had been dating for about two weeks when he asked to borrow my car. I really should have specified that driving my car to Mexico with three of his friends was not cool. I also should have mentioned that taking my credit and ATM cards without my knowledge was impolite at best. (Not that I found out about that until my statements arrived the following month.) Of course, after he was gone for two days, I called the cops to file a missing persons report. It never crossed my mind that he stole the car. It didn't take the cops too long to find him once I discovered he was using my Visa-he bowled right over my ten thousand dollar credit limit in three days. They soon brought him back, along with the remains of my car. Things kind of got bad after that. It turns out he was actually thirty years old (I'm 18) and had an astounding criminal record. The credit card company decided that his use of my card was authorized by me, and imposed full charges. I can't charge a pack of gum at this point. My bank account was bone dry and my part-time job couldn't cover the bills, and I got evicted from my apartment. I had to quit school and take a job at Dairy Queen. I have to take the bus to work everyday since the insurance company declared my car totaled. I saw him one last time, in court. I charged him with everything in the book, but the judge felt there wasn't enough evidence, so he was acquitted. My bankruptcy should be clear in only another six years."

"My boyfriend broke up with me because I love Star Wars 'too much' as he put it. I made him dress up as Princess Leia (in the gold bikini) and I as Luke Skywalker once for a party, and of course cross dressing makes any party a more fun place to be. Someone had a camera and took pictures of him. I thought it was funny as hell, so I put them up on a website. Soon after the party, he called me and made me take the photos down, and he came over to my house and ripped up my copies. He even went through my computer and deleted my scanned copies. I didn't object or anything because he looked seriously pissed off. I asked him what was wrong, and he said someone sent the pictures to his mother. He pretty much called our relationship off right then and there, and he and his parents moved out of state because they were afraid people would start rumors What a jerk."

...and best.story.ever.

"I had a roommate named Richard. While living with him, I met this chick: she was a catch, to say the least. One day, about a year after we started dating, I came home from work and noticed her coat and bag on the couch, Richard's door was closed, and some curious noises were being emitted from the room. I opened the door and found Richard bent over taking it in the ass from my girlfriend wearing a strap-on!!!! So, naturally, I was a little pissed. I began to yell at her, then she yelled back about how pissed she was that I wouldn't let her fuck me with the strap-on and she was entitled to find someone who would. I called her a stupid c*%t and then she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and tried to stab me with it. That would have been scary except that she was wearing the strap-on the whole time. I eventually wrestled the knife from her, informed both of them that the situation was a little too weird and I would be moving out. She never even called to apologize"


Monday, February 06, 2006

I Forgot To Add Him

Christian Bale English, but he bought new toofs, so I forgave him, then I did him. Keeps begging me to get married, but he's already married, and I'm not Mormon.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


No really. They are. Seriously. In no particular order. But I've done/am doing them all, oh yeah I am. Are you calling me a liar? Well, you may call it a restraining order, but I call it devotion. Here they are. Read 'em and weep.

Ville Valo I mean, come on. Current boyfriend, and in fact, we may be secretly married. I just can't say, and don't ask him, because he doesn't know, and it's really none of his business.

Gerard Butler The Phantom. A tasty piece of Scottish monkey love if I ever saw one. Love a guy you can barely understand. Feels like I'm watching "Trainspotting" when I listen to him yabber on. Hot.

Skeet Ulrich Where's he been you ask? Right here, in my bedroom. Making me do things. Then he gets up and makes me pancakes. What's better than Skeet and pancakes? Not a damned thing.

Jeff Bridges Old but hot. I'm allover him like white on rice. Oh yeah I am. Don't make me tell you about it.

Dean/Scott Winters Both of them. At the same time. Dean more, Scott less, but yes, tasty pale brothers that furrow their eyebrows a lot. You are so jealous.

Gary Dourdan I hate CSI, but I love him. Calls and calls and calls. Doesn't have a lick of ugly anywhere on him. Told him he had a beautiful body, and he held it against me.

Clooney I hit that.

Lenny I often watch the special "home videos" he and I made. He loves me a lot. Cannot keeps his hands off me.

Chris Meloni (standing with Dean Winters-how convenient is that?) I don't care if he plays a gay psycho killer on "Oz" or a gay psycho ex-'Nam-er in "Wet Hot American Summer", or whatever gay he plays on "Law and Order"(I don't watch it). I'm doing him, and let me tell you, he got no gay.

Gabriel Macht You don't know him, but I do. He usually plays the brother or the extra, but he is so tasty, and I boffed him then I effed him. Really.

Ice Cube Oh yeah, I'm going there.

Patrick Dempsey Three words: African. Anteater. Ritual.

Legolas and Aragorn Not Orlando and Viggo, but the elf and the King. Are you telling me that isn't one hot piece of elf ass? Seriously yummy-both of them-although showering is not their forte. Who cares. First thing in the morning I make them clean the garage and work on my transmission, so it doesn't matter.

Kenny Johnson He plays "Lem" on "The Shield", and he played "Burner" on this doody of a show "Pensacola: Wings of Gold". Total crap, but I watched every rerun just to see Kenny in a towel. Completely delicious.

Eric Bana Oi! Oi! Oi! Aussie, sassy, messy, and don't even get me started about Down Under...

Dave Navarro Perfect, stunning, tiny, insatiable, carb-lite and fat-free.

Oh, and this guy. I don't even know his name, but he's making cookies right now, and I can't get him to leave.

It's all true. You are dying of envy, and it's very unbecoming of you. Get over yourself. They are mine, and until I'm done with them you must wait. So, until further notice, take them off your list. Maybe I'll post the rest of their pictures, but don't hold your breath.

Friday, February 03, 2006


1) Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.
Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.
Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.

2) Owen Cheese: You clowns are on dope!
Binky the Clown: You didn't see nothing old man. We're just five happy party clowns, sitting down to a plate of beef. White- powdery- beef.

3)Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Harold: Huh?
Neil Patrick Harris: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.

4) Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: [shocked] Baby. I'm not from Havana.

5) Beth: Well guys, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.

And the most brilliant dialogue EVER written:
6) Nell: Chicka, chicka, chickabee. / T'ee an me an t'ee an me. / Ressa, ressa, ressa me, / Chicka, chicka, chickabee.


Thursday, February 02, 2006

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
2005 Results

Winner: Historical Fiction
Sphincter, the gladiator, girded his loins in preparation for today's games, glad to be part of the season opener since he hadn't been sure until yesterday that his contract would be renewed, given his slump during the Germans-versus-lions series but he knew that swatting Germans into the lion's pit was trickier than it looked and he told the officials that they should look at his other stats, not just Huns batted in.
Robert Peltzer
Baltimore, MD

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" Beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

The contest began in 1982 as a quiet campus affair, attracting only three submissions. This response being a thunderous success by academic standards, the contest went public the following year and ever since has attracted thousands of annual entries from all over the world.

A couple of my faves from this year:

Grand Panjandrum's Special Award
India, which hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia, presented itself to Tex as he landed in Delhi (or was it Bombay?), as if it mattered because Tex finally had an idea to make his mark and fortune and that idea was a chain of steak houses to serve the millions and he wondered, as he deplaned down the steep, shiny, steel steps, why no one had thought of it before.
Ken Aclin
Shreveport, LA

Max thought the night-time burglary at the California surfing museum would be a safe caper, but that was before he spotted the security cop riding a bull mastiff, blond hair blowing in the wind, and noticed the blue-and-white sign wired to the cyclone fence, "Guard dude on doggy."
Jim Dehn
Clovis, CA

Dishonorable Mentions
Because of her mysterious ways I was fascinated with Dorothy and I wondered if she would ever consider having a relationship with a lion, but I have to admit that most of my attention was directed at her little dog Toto because, after all, he was a source of meat protein and I had had enough of those damn flying monkeys.
Randy Blanton
Murfreesboro, TN

The dragon cast his wet, rheumy eyes, heavy-lidded with misery, over his kingdom-a malodorous, rot-ridden swamp, with moss cloaking brooding, gloomy cypresses, tree trunks like decayed teeth rising from stagnant ponds, creatures with mildewed fur and scales whom the meanest roadside zoo would have rejected--and hoped the antidepressants would kick in soon.
Constance Barrett
Ruby, NY

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

All I can say is, I concur.

Katie: Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.
Bosses That Suck Ass, or Revenge is Sweet When Served Rectally

So, I hate my boss. Or should I say, my FORMER boss. She's a troll with a fivehead, an excommunicated-Mormon-coz-she-boffed-a-married-guy-so-she's-been-shunned-like-a-paisley-wearing-mennonite with an inferiority complex. One of those people whom you work your ass off for, turn their business around for them, and not only do they NOT give you credit, they take YOURS, bounce your checks, pay you crap, and go have a massage while you're firing away for 14 hours straight. However, divine intervention has occurred, and I was wooed away from sucky to fabulous today-for half the grief and almost three times the money. Sweetness.

I went into a meeeting today with Satan, she thinking she was going to school me regarding my attitude, and I cross checked her with a jimmy-jab to the pancreas. She said, "Lola, I want this to work out, but you're going to have to fix a few things first". I cut her off mid assumed bitch-out and said, "Ya know, nimrod(ok, I didn't say nimrod, but I thought it), this just isn't working for me. I don't enjoy working here anymore, and I just think we've hit the proverbial wall. So, hasta, and thanks for playing". After all color drained from her face, she, with HUGE tears welling up in her eyes, sputtered out, "'re QUITTING?" Although I was tempted to go all Brokeback on her, and I said, diplomatically, "I think it's for the best". Bitch then tried to play a fullhouse-she burst into tears-but I deflected with a royal flush. I said, "I wish you the best, and hope, truly, that this year allows you to get all that you deserve". Smile.

Then I turned and walked out, trying to not laugh in her stunned, Gary Busey-esque face. Worst part...she had to run out to my car to ask me for the key back, with a mascara-smudged-red-blotched-yacking-on-a-bone mug. Oh, did I mention that I left her high and dry without a chef and sous chef (he left with me) for three weddings this weekend? Payback's a bitch, bitch. You should have given me the raise AND the cabana boy.