Wednesday, March 08, 2006
PEOPLE WHO I WILL NOT BE DOING
So PLEASE stop Calling me
Ok, kids...so, if you know me, or if you've read this blog, then you know I've had some awesome boyfriends (let's call them boyfriends, shall we?). Some were serious, some were casual, all of them were madly in love with me, and I had to eventually kick them to the curb because they started speaking to me, or staying over too long, or wanting to be let out of the basement, or refusing to follow the instructions on the ransom note. Regardless-we have our history, and it's all good. Ville Valo and I are still together, but I can't talk about it due to his impending court case, and because of some stupid "stalking" law my Parole Officer warned me about. Whatever. But all this mush talk DID get me thinking on whom I would NEVER want to nibble, pinch, squeeze, cavort with, canoodle, do the backseat mambo, bump the worm in the mole hole, get some stank on the hang low, go like a rat up a drainpipe, park the pink Plymouth in the garage of love, or put percy in the playpen with...I think you get my drift. So here's my Top Ten No Way Would I Ever Touch Them as God is My Witness list. Let's commence, shall we?
DANNY BONADUCE If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted
Unattractive, unkind, unappealing, un-be-fugly. I'm pretty sure he is a functioning idiot, and by functioning, I mean he can drive himself to the liquor store and back IF there's a camera anywhere around. His kids will kill him when they grow up, so at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
VAL KILMER If he had another brain, it would be lonely
Poster child for the complete prohibition of alcohol again, which I support. I like my wine, but if making the sale of alcohol illegal will stop Val from turning into Ralph Kramden, I'm all for it. He was hot as "Ice" in Top Gun-now's he's as cold as a Polar Bear's clam hammer when he's writing his name in the Arctic snow.
BALDWIN The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
I know, I know...there are so many Baldwin's to choose from, but this one is my least favorite. Stevie had a moment when he did "Usual Suspects", but I figure the director had an aneurysm that day, or was trying to be charitable, or the glaucoma hadn't been diagnosed. Steven peaked with US, then made his romantic debut as Pauly Shore's lover in "Biodome". That right there is worth a mercy killing. Now he's fat, too-not just homely and stupid. I don't like him, and I don't like you if you like him.
TOM CRUISE Dumber than a box of hair
I gotta tell you-I'd rather eat dead monkey prolapsed sphincter then ever have to touch this freakazoid with a ten million foot pole. Worst.example.of.mandom.ever. Not only is he physically repugnant, but he's morally corrupt, intellectually retarded, and I hear he has the heartbreak of psoriasis. Plus, wears "Member's Only" jackets in lime green. OK, maybe not, but I really hate him.
MARC ANTHONY Routinely outsmarted by cheese
Are you telling me you think he's hot? Can you look me in the eye and say that? What's the matter with you? You are out of your damned mind!! What the hell are you thinking? Who do you think you are trying to shove your opinions down my throat? What kind of a total psychopath are you? Get the hell out of here, and take your damned box of wine and your chicken pot pie!! Who needs you! I have Ville Valo, you crack addict, so blow me! You and J-doh! can have him, just get him the hell out of my face, NOW!!! Wait a minute-leave the wine, then go.
AND NOW FOR "NOT WITH YOUR DICK"'S
I left out Jerry Falwell, Al Roker, carnies, dentists, David Hasselhoff and clowns, for obvious reasons. BTW-this guy had children: