Monday, July 31, 2006

I am not shitting you

I have a lot of time on my hands sometimes. Well, that's not true. Sometimes, I have some extra time on my hands. Occasionally I have more time than I know what to do with, but it isn't very often, and it's usually time meant for cleaning my kitchen floor or drunk dialing ex-boyfriends.

Now, I ain't no spring chicken, but I gotta say, if I want the poonannie, I can get the poonannie. I have been known to get the poonannie on a regular basis if I am so inclined. But in my waning years, (and waxing ass), I prefer to have inappropriate touching with my gay male friends than actuall messy sticky four-hour-long sex with an uninteresting teenager or three. Note to Sting: eight hour sex sessions? Dude, I have to meet the girls at OnoSushi for half price appys and ten carafes of hot sake. Get a life!

Anyhoo-the reason for this rant: I have unfortunately been informed of a heinous social event known as the cuddle party aka second base for losers. To quote
What a Cuddle Party Is: A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment. A laboratory where you can experiment with what makes you feel safe and feel good. This playful, fun workshop has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection, a space to reframe assumptions about men and women.

In other words-dorks who can't get laid go to cuddle parties..
Now, it would be a blast to see one if it was frequented by furries, or male Rugby players, but in this case, it's for the Star Trek crowd.

Trust me-there's no sex because their parole officers won't allow it.

Here are some deep frequently asked questions associated with attending a cuddle party:
What is a Cuddle Party?
This whole Cuddle Party thingy sounds weird. Is it?
Why would anyone want to cuddle with a bunch of strangers?
This is really just an excuse to have an orgy, right?
Do PJs really stay on the whole time?
What if something "comes up"? (AKA, Arousal and the Erection Phenomenon...)
How on Earth are the limits enforced?
Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty? What's that?
What's the job of the Cuddle Caddy?
Are there a bunch of pajama-wearing weirdos there?
Do I have to cuddle everybody at the party?
I only want to cuddle with hot people. How can I make sure that happens?
Is that a bad thing, that I only want to cuddle the people I'm attracted to?
What do I do if no one wants to cuddle me?
Is this a singles event?
Do you allow people to come to parties if their partners don't know about it?
What's all the emphasis on having to arrive on time? It doesn't sound very relaxing.
Welcome Circle? Sounds New Age-y... This isn't some 60's encounter group thing is it?
Can you pay at the door?
Do I arrive in my pajamas, or can I change there?
Why are Cuddle Parties usually nonalcoholic events?
Can I get stoned at a Cuddle Party?

Fascinated? If you are, then check out the site, and make sure you lose MY phone number. My preferred recreation in place of a cuddle party?


Psychotic middle aged Asian bosses need not apply.


John said...

I hear they have awesome cuddle parties at the rantnrave office. I can't go though, because it's too controversial for my sensibilities.

RockitQueen said...

A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! AWESOME rant, girl! A welcome circle? A Cuddle Lifeguard? You've got to be kidding me.

"What if I only want to cuddle with hot people and not the back-acne guy in Deep Space Nine pajamas?" I mean, it's just too funny for words!

Maybe CSI should do a show on cuddle parties. They already did one on furries...

RockitQueen said...

OK, I just took another look at that picture you posted at the top and, man, does that say it all. This is too funny!

jonnykwest said...

i need to start slower cuddling is too fast for me. Can we have a "you must keep at least 12 inches between you and the other person at all times" party?

Lola said...

Hehe..hehehe..JonnyKwest said "at least 12 inches"...don't I wish...sorry, my fantasy.