ALL MY CURRENT AND EX BOYFRIENDS

No really. They are. Seriously. In no particular order. But I've done/am doing them all, oh yeah I am. Are you calling me a liar? Well, you may call it a restraining order, but I call it devotion. Here they are. Read 'em and weep.


Ville Valo I mean, come on. Current boyfriend, and in fact, we may be secretly married. I just can't say, and don't ask him, because he doesn't know, and it's really none of his business.


Gerard Butler The Phantom. A tasty piece of Scottish monkey love if I ever saw one. Love a guy you can barely understand. Feels like I'm watching "Trainspotting" when I listen to him yabber on. Hot.


Skeet Ulrich Where's he been you ask? Right here, in my bedroom. Making me do things. Then he gets up and makes me pancakes. What's better than Skeet and pancakes? Not a damned thing.


Jeff Bridges Old but hot. I'm allover him like white on rice. Oh yeah I am. Don't make me tell you about it.

Dean/Scott Winters Both of them. At the same time. Dean more, Scott less, but yes, tasty pale brothers that furrow their eyebrows a lot. You are so jealous.


Gary Dourdan I hate CSI, but I love him. Calls and calls and calls. Doesn't have a lick of ugly anywhere on him. Told him he had a beautiful body, and he held it against me.

Clooney I hit that.


Lenny I often watch the special "home videos" he and I made. He loves me a lot. Cannot keeps his hands off me.


Chris Meloni (standing with Dean Winters-how convenient is that?) I don't care if he plays a gay psycho killer on "Oz" or a gay psycho ex-'Nam-er in "Wet Hot American Summer", or whatever gay he plays on "Law and Order"(I don't watch it). I'm doing him, and let me tell you, he got no gay.



Gabriel Macht You don't know him, but I do. He usually plays the brother or the extra, but he is so tasty, and I boffed him then I effed him. Really.

Ice Cube Oh yeah, I'm going there.



Patrick Dempsey Three words: African. Anteater. Ritual.

Legolas and Aragorn Not Orlando and Viggo, but the elf and the King. Are you telling me that isn't one hot piece of elf ass? Seriously yummy-both of them-although showering is not their forte. Who cares. First thing in the morning I make them clean the garage and work on my transmission, so it doesn't matter.


Kenny Johnson He plays "Lem" on "The Shield", and he played "Burner" on this doody of a show "Pensacola: Wings of Gold". Total crap, but I watched every rerun just to see Kenny in a towel. Completely delicious.


Eric Bana Oi! Oi! Oi! Aussie, sassy, messy, and don't even get me started about Down Under...

Dave Navarro Perfect, stunning, tiny, insatiable, carb-lite and fat-free.


Oh, and this guy. I don't even know his name, but he's making cookies right now, and I can't get him to leave.


It's all true. You are dying of envy, and it's very unbecoming of you. Get over yourself. They are mine, and until I'm done with them you must wait. So, until further notice, take them off your list. Maybe I'll post the rest of their pictures, but don't hold your breath.